Birth Day.

This beautiful day came 2 1/2 weeks early. The doctor sent me to the hospital for a check up and the nurse said I was having a baby! 

What? Although impatiently waiting to meet our sweet Jordan Grace, her bassinet and the changing table weren't ready. The diaper genie still needed a bag for all those smelly diapers. And most importantly, Ana Maria had no idea I was in the hospital having her baby sister! 

What's a mama to do? Call and give her the good news in class, of course! Her sweet voice answered the phone. I explained that Jordan Grace was coming, I could tell she was smiling by the way she was speaking. I could also tell, today was the big day, her long awaited wish would finally come true.

With a couple of hours to spare, we had our priest come in for an extra prayer. We called our dependable friend Stephen who would run to our home and get something super important, the car seat, can't leave the hospital without baby safely in there. And a bag I put together that morning for the big sister to be. It was filled with an album, a disposable camera, fun activities, and candy, always candy.

Our dear friend brought my first born and they made it in time to say a quick hi, go down stairs to the chapel for prayers and then came right back to meet her baby sister! 

My labor and delivery were miraculous, literally, a beautiful miracle stared right into my eyes as soon as she was placed on my chest. It was love at first heartbeat of course, but love at first sight as well! 

Nothing went as planned, it never does. However, the day was pretty close to perfect. I was sad my family couldn't physically be there, they had plane tickets booked for her due date. Although I felt them there with me through every step of the way. 

I remember every single precious moment from the day she came into our world. Our lives were changed for the better on that glorious February day! 

Please DON'T say "I'm sorry"

I speak for myself when I say the above. Please don't say "I'm sorry," yes, I did not see this coming, yes, I wasn't expecting my daughter's life this way and yes, I did go through hardships expecting the unexpected. 

But please from the bottom of my heart I ask for you not to see my daughter for her diagnosis, I ask you to see her for the beautiful human being she is.

Please don't think of what she won't do in your time, but see her for the amazing things she does now, in this moment in time. 

Please don't judge her or compare her, she is unique just as we all are in our own little ways. 

Please don't pity her, her dad, me and especially not her sister, because if you do, we will pity you for not knowing this incredible kind of love. 

Don't ever feel sorry for us, our life is complete, filled with unconditional and unending love. 

Please do see the beauty in having an extra chromosome, and why God created these angels on earth. 

Take the time to get to know someone with Down Syndrome and give them the time of day, your heart will overflow with love you could never begin to imagine. 

If Only...

I knew then what I know now.

That you would be born in just four minutes with two gentle pushes.

That you would look right into my eyes to let me know all would be good in our world, seconds after you were born.

That having an extra chromosome would not define you, you would be you, no matter what.

That at six months you would show more courage than I have ever seen in my 37 years, as you underwent open heart surgery. 

That your precious heart would be ok.

That you would communicate in your own ways, but loud and clear.

That you would laugh, talk, sit, stand, hug, kiss, wave, oh and so much more just like sissy.

That you would draw a crowd in with your sweet smile.

That you would bring endless sunshine into our lives.

That our world would be a million times more amazing than we could have ever imagined.

That you would change our lives for the better the moment we found out you were on your way.

That there was nothing to fear and everything to be thankful for.

That you would show us love, the kind of love that's unexpected, unimaginable and unending. 

That you would be the dream we never had, but truly our dream come true! 

My soulmate, my Gregorio

From that very day after the ultrasound, he became my rock, my strength, he carried me through the threshold of our new life, our life to come. He encouraged me, he let me cry, he let me yell, he let me fall apart. 

But the one thing he would not allow me to do was lose my faith. In those moments, he believed more than I did. His faith carried me through those moments when I couldn't see clearly through the tears. I have never seen him rely so much on God as I did those incredibly tough days that followed. 

Thinking of his faith then makes him a million more times attractive to me. I can't help but think how lucky I am to have a true partner in life who supports me, takes care of me and loves me the way he does. 

He's a pretty cool daddy too! Our Ana Maria loves to play with him, any second he can spare she takes gladly and happily. And if he's busy she begs for his time until he gives in. I love the way he teaches her new things and creates fun adventures for her. 

Not to mention the way he loves our Jordan Grace, he's so proud of her and let's her get away with taking his hat and glasses off. 

I've always known how truly blessed I am, but the toughest moments I've endured in my life, he has made them a little more bearable. 

Teaching him to hug since we met to that day was time well spent, he perfected his hugging abilities daily as we walked together through our journey.

My shadow, my first born, my sweet girl!

If there's anyone more mature than any adult, it would be my bright Ana Maria. She always knew what to say to me, even at five years old.

There was darkness when she wasn't around, I would be alone with my thoughts all day. 

But when she was with me, she filled my darkness with bright shiny lights. She was my sunshine during snowy, cold winter days. She filled me with love, laughter and warmth no matter what.

I could be terrified of the future one moment and with one look at her, when she ran to me and hugged me after school, I knew tomorrow would be OK, just as it was today. 

How could I not think that? She is my biggest fan! She wants to be just like me and can't wait to grow up, she tells me all the time. Yet I want her to stay this way in every stage she is. And when she tells me she loves me more and as we argue who loves who more, though I know she won't understand until she's a mom one sweet day, I believe her!!! She truly thinks she loves me more, but the reality is, I win, she could never love me more than I love her! 

I wrote her this letter moments before I drove to the hospital for a checkup, somehow I knew it was time

p.s. pardon the misspellings in my writing, I was writing this through tears in my eyes.

Waiting for you

The next few months were also sort of a blur, we found out that the heart defect, thank God, would not stop my baby from being born, but that it was related to Down Syndrome. Panic and fear set in. I had met a little girl with Down Syndrome when I was very young, she followed me around, and was so sweet, but since she could not talk I didn't know how to communicate with her and I was afraid I would do or say something wrong in front of her. 

Fast forward thirty years later, I was told I would give birth to a baby girl with Down Syndrome. First thought that came to my mind? How will I ever be able to communicate with my own baby? 

I honestly had no idea, so I prayed and pleaded with God to miraculously cure my baby. I begged for a healthy and normal child. After all, He's Almighty, and if I believed enough He would answer my prayers.

Months came and went filled with fetal echocardiograms and testing. Results were still the same! I went to prayer groups, healing Masses, I spoke to my priest about all my thoughts, he reassured me she would be perfect, he is deaf and grew up with people with disabilities, he told me some of his best friends had Down Syndrome, we had prayer lines so incredibly connected that even the Pope himself prayed for our sweet baby! 

I didn't read books or go to the Down Syndrome society, I did however, as a fluke found a friend from high school who's baby girl was diagnosed with Down Syndrome when she was born. He connected me to his amazing wife, who has become one of my dearest friends. I spent hours crying and talking to her, it brought me comfort to hear about her experiences and her contagious love for her sweet angel on earth. 

My family was on speed dial as usual and I talked to them none stop about all my concerns, my pleas, my anxiety, my dreams, my hopes and my baby bump! I faithfully took pictures each week of my growing belly. With all this love and support, I got through those tough months, moments, and hours of waiting to meet our precious one. 

Her kicks were strong from the beginning, I felt her early on when I thought it wasn't possible, but it was her! Telling me she was with me through it all, we were going through this journey together! She  definitely wasn't on her own and neither was I. We were one! She, growing inside me and I, providing her home. 

I bonded, I already loved her since day one, since we dreamed about her, since we prayed for her, since she became our dream come true. She already had my heart, and I had her heart beating inside me. 

Her Heart: beat and defect

Jordan Grace's journey began long before we found out we were pregnant. It began with having baby fever, with my daughter asking for a sister almost daily, with trying and praying month after month, with testing and words of encouragement from our doctor and family. And then one glorious day, the pregnancy test finally showed positive! 

We couldn't have been happier, we double checked with a blood test just to make sure, after all, we wanted to tell our daughter the great news but didn't want to disappoint her if we had to keep trying. 

Our Doctor sent us for an early ultrasound since we would be traveling out of the country for a long period of time. We wanted to make sure this sweet baby was healthy.

The ultrasound was so touching and amazing! To only be able to see the baby's heart beat was magical! Of course our daughter, just 5 years old couldn't understand that little dot was a baby in my belly. 

The weeks went by with planning, imagining and cleaning...we had the regular pregnancy testings and everything looked good! 

And then we would get a chance to see our sweet baby again on a medical screen, we smiled all the way to our appointment! Like little kids heading to the toy store, we couldn't contain our excitement.

The technician was very serious and doing her job, I was still giddy with excitement and kept making little jokes, to which she wouldn't laugh at, she just stayed focused on her job. After what seemed like an hour of trying to re position my baby, she finally said, "I will show these to the doctor, don't be alarmed if he comes in to talk to you, sometimes they do"

But I was alarmed when he finally came in, because I've had a few ultrasounds before and the doctors never had to come in to talk to me. 

But this time he came in and the rest was a blur, something about a heart condition, baby would need surgery...I remember crying, and I remember fear like I've never felt before. I remember my precious Ana Maria looking at me with a puzzled look and my hubby just as scared as I was with tears in his eyes. 

I had to step out of the room so I went to the restroom and cried for a good few minutes. When I managed to get a hold of myself and ask God for help, I walked back into the room to see my worried loved ones waiting for my next move. 

My next move? Well, we weren't going to find out the sex, we wanted to wait like we did with our first little angel. But at this point my biggest worry was that this baby may not make it to see our world, therefore my next step was to find out if it was a boy or a girl! The technician said with sad eyes "it's a girl" and my daughter got her wish in those little words! So right then and there her name became Jordan Grace.

I suddenly was grateful that my Ana Maria's wish had come true but I had never been more nervous to walk, run or go up and down the stairs. I thought with one little move I could lose our sweet little wish come true...

This day DID come...

I never thought this day would come. No, not the day when they told me my baby had a heart defect. No, not the day when they told us more than likely this heart defect was associated with Down Syndrome. No, not the day when I cried myself to sleep thinking about what life would be like for my precious baby. No, not the day when we took ultrasound after ultrasound and lots of testing. 

OK, maybe the day when the doctors asked us if we knew what we were doing, telling us if we were to terminate our pregnancy to decide before week 22. Maybe that day when the doctors treated my pregnancy, my sweet baby, like a piece of paper you could just throw away in the garbage!

No, not that day I went in for a check up only to hear our precious baby would be born on that beautiful day. No, not everyday when she is beautiful, happy and seems healthy!

No, not that day when she pulled herself to a sitting position holding onto my thumbs her second day of life, that day when she rolled over at six weeks old or when she said her first word. 

No, not that day that had to come when she had open heart surgery. Or all those days that she had echoes and ECGs to make sure that the surgery had gone well.

Not that day when she smiled, or laughed, or cried. When she rolled to get her toys or when she sat and scooted for the first time. When she stands in her crib by herself and says mama each day! When she signs and communicates so well.

Maybe those days when we get those weird stares, when people look at my beautiful daughter then look at me then turn away quick and pretend they weren't actually looking at us.

No, not those days when I get how cute, and sweet my baby girl is, and how some flock to see and talk to her. I love those moments!

No, not those days when my older daughter pushes my younger daughter on the swing.  No, not those beautiful days when we go for strolls or those days when we go on family bike rides.  No, not those beautiful times that we share together like a "normal" family. 

But today when someone asked me what side effects this "disease" of Trisomy 21 caused, yes today when a lab technician asked "don't they tell you when you're pregnant about Trisomy 21?"

Today, when I felt sorry for another human being for being unaware of life beyond "normality." For not having the privilege to know and love someone like my loving daughter, someone who shows me love in ways I didn't even know were possible!

Today I thought of those words a dear friend said "I wish every family had a loved one with Down Syndrome," and how amazing that sentence is. How I feel like people who don't know what life is like with my sweet baby, are missing out on this angelic piece of heaven.

I've known how lucky I am to have been given this unique gift from God and to be in this "secret society" filled with love, the moment I met my baby girl, when she looked up at me with those wondrous eyes.  

I wish you understanding, true love, happiness and most of all the gift of knowing and loving an angel here on earth with Down Syndrome! Happy Down Syndrome awareness month!