Impact

Sometimes things don't seem to affect me as much, but when it comes to my personal story and experiences, things such as words can bring me to my knees in pain. 

The other day a friend posted that she had heard of a couple who found out their child would be born with Ds and had an appointment scheduled to terminate their pregnancy. She asked us parents to chime in on what we would say to someone in the situation we were basically in however many years, months or days ago. 

The waterworks came immediately, I wasn't finished reading the post when my eyes were burning with tears. My heart sunk and my being went back to that deep dark hole I fell into more than three years ago. 

My "now" self wanted to tell my "then" self everything was going to be ok, that I shouldn't feel sad, mad or in horrible dispare, that this baby, this sweet girl was going to show me what her life was all about. I wanted to tell my "then" self that I was being melodramatic, that all those tears, all the yelling, all that being angry with God was literally not necessary, let alone a waste of precious time. 

But I had to stop myself and realize that I had to go through all those feelings and emotions, that only if I had known Jordan Grace herself, I could never be satisfied with knowing what it would be like to have a child with Down syndrome. Because anyone deserves to grieve the child they think they will have. The child that they perceive as their own perfect child. 

I still don't know what to tell my "then" self, the woman that suffers today with these news of diagnosis, or the ones who are yet to come. They call us the lucky few for a reason. I always say we live this amazing secret society, where only the ones who live it can understand, appreciate and rejoice in it. It's unlike anything else I've ever known, it's something that people can share with you but unless you dive in and swim in this pond of beauty, you may never know.

Because in the end, my child, our Jordan Grace, is truly better than who we expected her to be. I think it's safe, although sad to say, that I had very low expectations. Basing it from what the doctor lectured us, she would be incapable of being human I guess, he described someone who would be dependent, someone who needed help to do anything and everything. 

We all talk about it within our community, the way the news is delivered can make you or break you. It certainly broke me. I wasn't expecting to feel the way I did, to think that the hardest decision to make would be to continue on and live this life we were told was horrendous. 

Full of Worth!

 

Last week our Down syndrome community  was shaken to the core with the news coming out of Australia and Iceland. Many of my social media friends began posting their feelings and thoughts all over their blogs.

I wrote a little blurb but my heart is left confused and aching for sweet precious ones lost and babies who never had an opportunity to live.

When I found out that our Jordan Grace would be born with Down syndrome while I was pregnant. The first, well only option I was given by the professional was abortion. Right away he gave Greg and I a lecture about all the negative things we would face and horrible life we were about to discover. 

I sunk so low to a deep hole, my thoughts could only see what this doctor was describing, a life for my child that no mother wanted to picture. A life of pain. Some days I was completely numb to the world, I was so deep in dispare I felt like the only way out would be without this baby. 

We had been wanting her, praying for her, and trying to get pregnant for so long; why was this cruel world making me feel like I didn't want this precious life I already loved inside me? 

The answer was fear of the unknown. People are afraid or reject things that are not common to them. It's our natural instinct. But I'm here now as a witness of a life with An extra chromosome; and let me tell you, it's nothing to be afraid of, it's different, but nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, Jordan Grace has the same feelings and personality as others. 

I know I won't convince non believers of change and differences with my words. It would have been hard for me to understand looking in from the outside. 

What I cannot understand is why people think it's ok to terminate certain pregnancies. It's the woman's choice, but when it comes to disabilities everyone is up in arms about it. I say when it comes to human life EVERYONE should be up in arms about it. Life is precious, with living and enjoying. So why does the life in the womb not get a choice? 

It's a fair question. 

I'm here as a professional mother to let you all know that my daughter not only deserves to live, but she deserves respect, love and to be included. She is the light of our world! I wish the world could see that. 

Giving Herself Layers.

When Jordan Grace was little and even before she was born I was told she would need all kinds of therapies. The thought of having people work on my girl made me nervous, not because I don't believe in therapy, but because people didn't believe in my girl. The therapists  right away began to tell me about all the problems kids would have using anything from pencils to scissors. 

I am more of a believe it when I see it kind of person. So I waited for her to be born before I thought of anything that she wouldn't be able to do. I had more faith in her than most of the professionals I encountered. In my heart I felt she would be capable of more than the statistics that I chose not to Google. 

Fast forward to today, as we drove to the ice cream parlor, my mom and I were deep in conversation. We were headed to celebrate the first day of school for my precious niece Natalia, in the backseat sat my little lady quiet. I had placed Natalia's backpack beside Jordan Grace without a second thought, not sure why, I've always been proactive and sort of saw the danger of things I place next to her. I noticed she was curiously looking through her backpack but since it was the first day of school, I thought there would only be paperwork in there. As a former teacher and an experienced mom to my Ana Maria, an almost fifth grader, I've never known kids to keep scissors in their backpacks. They have always been left behind in their cubbies or desks at school, so call me crazy but I never thought that would be something she would find.

The image through my rearview mirror was one I won't forget. She proudly grabbed a piece of her hair over her eyes and placed the scissors just right, holding them in perfect form, it would take me a little while to process how proud I was for her skills. But first the shock of her about to cut her beautiful locks brought panic in my voice and I yelled, so loud in fact I scared her to tears. 

Mom reached back to take the scissors away as her lips began to tremble and she began to cry with passion. I didn't know if to laugh or cry, but I sure was in shock. All I could think was "her pretty hair is ruined." All those posts about other friends' kids cutting their own hair came to mind. I had just seen one recently on social media and thought it was so funny, but also thought of the dangers of having tools around that could cause harm. It wasn't enough to prevent this episode from happening today.

When we arrived at our destination, I opened the backseat door and saw her beautiful long locks on the seat and on her clothes. I wanted to make sure she knew that what she did was wrong. So I gave her a little lecture with words she would understand. 

"Jordan Grace, cut el pelo, NO, NO," she looked at me sweetly and shaking her little finger she repeated "cut, cut, pelo, NO, NO." We laughed about it in the restaurant and Ana María said proudly "Mommy, at least she knows how to use the scissors." Truth! Our precious one knew what she was doing, she knew what scissors were for and in her defense she probably couldn't reach the paper. 

 

3 Year Heartaversary

Three years ago tonight I couldn't sleep, our precious five month old was about to go in for open heart surgery. I felt I had to prepare for death but pray for life. All of my insides were shattered. I couldn't seem to find a way to breathe. One of the longest nights of my life.

 

Fear didn't leave my body the next day, my whole body filled with shakes, I couldn't feel God telling me it would be ok. I felt a blank outcome. Unfortunately some of my faith had left me. I continued to pray with my family, but it was almost like an out of body experience. I knew I was praying, but I didn't feel the prayer. 

I wanted to know the outcome, I needed to know my precious baby would be ok. We knew at twenty weeks pregnant this day would come. I prayed for a miracle, the kind of miracle where God would fix her and no one had to open up her precious heart. 

We had countless fetal echocardiograms and she had some after she was born as well. Each time we went in for the appointments, I left disappointed when they told me she still would need surgery. 

When we arrived at the Stollery, it still felt unreal, my heart was pounding out of my chest, a nervous jitter took over my body. It was difficult to focus. Thank God for my family who helped me, literally guided me and spent the hours trying to keep my mind off of things. 

 

Nurses came to let me know it was time. I was placed on a stretcher where I held her as we were rolled towards the operating room. She was wrapped in the tiniest hospital gown I had ever seen. She looked into my eyes as I cried silently, her stare trying to speak to my soul. But the fear would not let me feel, I was numb. When they took her from my arms, I let the tears flow as I said "please bring her back to me."

 

I remember thinking how difficult her diagnosis had been while I was pregnant, but this feeling of maybe losing her was beyond what a mother should ever feel. 

The hours were torturous, I didn't want to step too far away from where the doctor would come talk to us. He finally appeared at the end of the hall, he looked defeated and my heart sunk. I told Greg, "I don't think it's good." When he finally reached us, it felt like forever until I could comprehend his words that basically our baby was alive and well. 

 

And so I cried tears of hope and of gladness. 

This time of the year may never get easier for me. The reminder of how fast our lives can change sometimes is unbearable. Today I thank God that He carried me through this difficult time in my life, and that we are now past it. Our Jordan Grace's heart isn't perfect, but it's working well the way it is. My heart as her mama will always worry. But I'm so proud and blessed that she is ours!