Three years ago tonight I couldn't sleep, our precious five month old was about to go in for open heart surgery. I felt I had to prepare for death but pray for life. All of my insides were shattered. I couldn't seem to find a way to breathe. One of the longest nights of my life.
Fear didn't leave my body the next day, my whole body filled with shakes, I couldn't feel God telling me it would be ok. I felt a blank outcome. Unfortunately some of my faith had left me. I continued to pray with my family, but it was almost like an out of body experience. I knew I was praying, but I didn't feel the prayer.
I wanted to know the outcome, I needed to know my precious baby would be ok. We knew at twenty weeks pregnant this day would come. I prayed for a miracle, the kind of miracle where God would fix her and no one had to open up her precious heart.
We had countless fetal echocardiograms and she had some after she was born as well. Each time we went in for the appointments, I left disappointed when they told me she still would need surgery.
When we arrived at the Stollery, it still felt unreal, my heart was pounding out of my chest, a nervous jitter took over my body. It was difficult to focus. Thank God for my family who helped me, literally guided me and spent the hours trying to keep my mind off of things.
Nurses came to let me know it was time. I was placed on a stretcher where I held her as we were rolled towards the operating room. She was wrapped in the tiniest hospital gown I had ever seen. She looked into my eyes as I cried silently, her stare trying to speak to my soul. But the fear would not let me feel, I was numb. When they took her from my arms, I let the tears flow as I said "please bring her back to me."
I remember thinking how difficult her diagnosis had been while I was pregnant, but this feeling of maybe losing her was beyond what a mother should ever feel.
The hours were torturous, I didn't want to step too far away from where the doctor would come talk to us. He finally appeared at the end of the hall, he looked defeated and my heart sunk. I told Greg, "I don't think it's good." When he finally reached us, it felt like forever until I could comprehend his words that basically our baby was alive and well.
And so I cried tears of hope and of gladness.
This time of the year may never get easier for me. The reminder of how fast our lives can change sometimes is unbearable. Today I thank God that He carried me through this difficult time in my life, and that we are now past it. Our Jordan Grace's heart isn't perfect, but it's working well the way it is. My heart as her mama will always worry. But I'm so proud and blessed that she is ours!
No comments:
Post a Comment